


Alone and Deserving

by Mabfefe



Category: Supernatural
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-03
Updated: 2013-07-03
Packaged: 2017-12-17 14:52:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/868799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mabfefe/pseuds/Mabfefe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To think this all started with the idea that an angel, a being meant to be commanded by God Himself, could possess free will. I guess no one thought of the consequences should it befall the wrong angel. An angel such as me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alone and Deserving

I've been here for so long. Far longer than any mere human can even try to comprehend.

I remember being at a shoreline. Watching a little gray fish heave itself upon the beach, and an older brother telling me "Don't step on that fish, Castiel. Big plans for that fish."

I remember the first time I flew; my wings lifting up off the ground and how happy I felt to have accomplished something so miniscule. That look of pride that dwelled within Michael's eyes as the youngest of the angels took his first flight.

I remember the Tower of Babel. All 37 feet of it; which I suppose was impressive at the time. And when it fell, they howled "Divine Wrath!" But come on, dried dung can only be stacked so high.

I remember the fall of the Morning Star, my sibling, as he turned away from his family, from God, and from me.

I remember the death of Gabriel. Though I wasn't there, I could feel him leave this world. One doesn't need to be connected to heaven to feel the fall of a loved one.

I remember my eyes falling upon that of Balthazar. How smug he looked before me and yet I could feel an emotion that I knew all too well, drift off of his vessel. Loneliness; the kind only close family can fill.

I remember feeling the power that came with the death of Rachel. How seeing her fall made me feel a sense of arrogance and a rush of adrenaline. How feeling that way filled me with disgust and self loathing.

I've been here and I can remember so much. You would think with all this time some knowledge, of what I should and shouldn't do, would have accumulated. What is acceptable and what is completely corrupted and should not even be considered.

Yet here I stand, adding another memory to my already vast collection. The fall of Balthazar, the only family that stood by me not because he knew not what to do with his new found freedom, but because he wanted to and knew the risks. The Winchesters have ousted me from their 'family' and here I am alone, in an hour of need and instead of feeling grateful of what little I have I cast it aside. I treated Balthazar, my own brother, like a defective toy that I no longer have any use of.

I am becoming the very thing I sought to cage and relinquish myself of. I even went so far as to use Gabriel's tried and (almost) true trick upon the angel that once stood at my side. I'm becoming like that of Lucifer, a destroyer of worlds, of lives, and of families.

I have no one to catch me should I fall; no one to share the burden with. There is no one to listen to my fears when the darkness of downfall and unfulfilled expectations surrounds and suffocates me.

I am alone and deserving of it. So should something happen, should I explode into a million insignificant pieces of what was once a humble and naïve angel because I stupidly chose to take in all the souls of purgatory let me be remembered as such. I have wrought this fate upon myself and have come to accept the consequences.

To think this all started with the idea that an angel, a being meant to be commanded by God Himself, could possess free will. I guess no one thought of the consequences should it befall the wrong angel.

An angel such as  _me_.


End file.
